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Biography '♥ Eyya Seraphiel  Awesome Nineteen 
Blissfully attached to '♥Aly Hagaishi My life, my say. I don't pay you to judge. I love the way, I am Spammers, get a life sweets ! |
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Biography '♥ Eyya Seraphiel Awesome Nineteen
Blissfully attached to '♥Aly Hagaishi My life, my say. I don't pay you to judge. I love the way, I am Spammers, get a life sweets ! |
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Wednesday, June 25, 2014
6/25/2014 05:22:00 AMOnce Upon A Time, Pain.Sadness.Responsibilities.Life of a girl who left her teenage life years ago. A girl who feels responsibility even before she is suppose to. Its not easy. Especially when I don't have a mother when everyone else is mainly tied to their mother for some advises and understanding your growing up life. Whereas me, I don't. I don't have someone who stays by my side to talk and share. I cant share things freely. There comes moments when Im just pure tired. mentally and physically but nobody seems to care. and I will throw tantrums, it sounds childish but I don't know how else to grab their attention. many are too busy with life till they forgot they have someone yearning for their time. brother is someone I really look upon to , and I've always loved talking and sharing my hearts out to him. he is the only person who can advise me and still earn my respect. he knows just how to make me feel at ease. he doesn't piss me off, he never scolds me. but whatever he says, will leave a huge change and stain in my heart that I will eventually abide to. Daddy, he is definitely the love of my life. I remember all his sacrifices for me. Especially when I do stupid things, he will still stay by my side and believe that I can change. but I wish he understood me like how he always did last time. no doubt im not someone who keeps grudge and all. but I have my moments when I will explode when I cant take it. whatever I feel , I will keep it in me till I can no longer hold onto it. I wish my dad is more sensitive and understand that no matter how rugged I can get, I still have a soft spot in me. I have a certain limit myself. when there are too much things shooting me in and out, I explode too. im human.i haven't been feeling well, yet no one knows. i'm on the verge of giving up, and no one knows. nobody can read me well. why is an outsider reading me better than my own family.i want my own family to read me better before an outsider does. why am I sharing my stories, my pain, my sufferings to outsiders. and why am I seeking help from outsiders instead of my own family. do people know what's going on with my life. am I doing fine in school? am I doingokay with juggling school and work. am I still able to cope or am I already going insane. part of me really turns bizarre already. im like a depressed child but no one knows. a person can be strong for so long but one moment or so, that particular person will kneel and cry when it's too much to bare. at some moments I cant take it. really makes me feel like setting in a fulltime job instead. I really have this feeling that I can only study till this much and im done. I need the support but I don't feel the support. its like im running the show myself. now i start sharing and showing my true part to the person i love through this 3 years with him. but i feel stupid doing that. its like im showing my entire weakness, my depressed moments back then. i act like im fine but im not. i don't know anyone of you ever felt that way. like you have everyone with you, but you don't see the purpose they do for you. i listen to people a lot. i give them advise and sometimes i'd rather not give.but have anyone really listened to me? people eventually get bored listening to my whines. oh wells, but life still has to go on. i rest my case, i don't want to start again. those people who left me back then when my parents got into an accident 13 years ago. and now coming back into our life. its painful. i never thought they'd appear again after 11 years. I've been all independent for 11 years. and kept all the pain and sadness for so long to ever start opening back. i can really feel the pain once again. i don't know how to accept everything and move on. i want to be sincere, and i don't want to be acting like im okay when im actually not. and she knows that im not okay. how does she know. having a sister that is suppose to be there to help me pull through but instead she left me too. its sad to know that my own blood tied sister doesn't really care about her real family who grew up with her. instead she turned into my own enemy. how can she betray me as her younger sister. im not shocked if one day, my own nieces and nephews don't even know who their Tante(auntie in Indonesian)is. and apart from that, ayah seems to have hinted me about my 3 years r/s. haiya. need a lot of commitments tauu! and also money fr after marriage.so we have come to a date. maybe it shall be 2-3 years from now.and before that i seriously have to settle on my studies and my license, yes. and a proper office hours full time job.thats is all im looking forward to since i don't plan to getting engaged, so lets go on and make this last till eternity and make it happen in future together. i look forward to having you in my life and waking up each day to seeing you still snoring right beside me. its been 3 years, i still have the same butterflies in me everytime. conflicts don't change myself. now its been 3 years, its getting real. its not anymore the young r/s.its getting older. if i don't see u in my near future why do i stay here for 3 years. and now moving on to 4years. im thankful i met you than anyone else. even though you're sometimes temperamental, like wise i have my temper too. butwe can ignore and keep calm and stop being angry. lol. you rly know how to handle me well. im thankful for that. well, i feel better now but i still do hope that someone close to me bumps into this blog and find outwhy im being crazy and depressed.all i hope is someone to ask if im coping well in life. but no one thinks i need a helping hand. but nevertheless, time for me to sleeeeeeeeeeep. working later after a some crazy 3 days off. but still feeling tired. hahaha. and on a brighter note its fasting month on sunday. i cant wait. but sadlly 28th july is mama's deathsary, and its hari raya. can i not celebrate but bf is renting car for jalan raya. sounds funnnnn.heh. byeeeeeee |
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